shaunterrywriter

These are my writings. I hope that they're honest and I hope that people get some good from them.

Tag: mourning

The Exhausting Effort to Breathe Life into a Fire

I spoke with Bernadette today, a little over an hour. She’d gotten a haircut. Her curly, messy hair hung just above her shoulders, and I thought she looked a little like Marion Cotillard, but maybe I was just romanticizing a bit. I didn’t tell her, anyway. I think people often don’t like being compared to others. She ended up telling me about how the nuns who’d taught her as a child, in Nice, were really sadistic—especially the headmistress. We cried.

We cried because of Minneapolis and because of covid. I didn’t sleep much last night. I’d watched a bunch of YouTube videos of white people proudly calling the police, unable to reckon with their mistaken, biased association, and too entitled and proud to keep from invoking the threat of murder in order to win an argument. She said that the reason she was so depressed wasn’t because she was hopeless, but because she was hopeful. She told me that hope is what you need to have in order to be disappointed, and I didn’t know what she meant at first.

I said that, finally, people wouldn’t have the excuse that the cop was afraid, they wouldn’t have the excuse that the guy was dangerous, they wouldn’t have the excuse that the film was unclear, they wouldn’t have the excuse that it was an in-the-moment decision, they wouldn’t have the excuse that the protesters started the looting, they wouldn’t have the excuse that the protesters were being violent. After the stimulus package and the calls to get people back to work, there’s no confusion about where the government’s, the bankers’, the police’s, and the media’s loyalties lie. Minneapolis and covid show that the reaction to Minneapolis and to covid have been meant to protect the stock market at the expense of the lives of the most vulnerable people. There’s no confusion. In relation to race, for instance, George Bush doesn’t care about black people, but Trump has real animosity toward them.

So, there’s no possible neutrality here anymore. There’s no equivocating. No more excuses. You’re either on the side of caring about black people’s lives or you’re on the side of white comfort. Then, Bernadette repeated what she’d said before: “You can’t be disappointed if you don’t have hope.”

I started to realize what she meant. I have all these friends who insulate themselves in the warm blanket of cynicism. If there’s nothing to do, then there’s nothing to really do about it. There’s nothing to risk. Any attempt would be foolish. They can complain from the sideline, but trying to help would only make matters worse. Why give up their own chance at some limited happiness in order to fight a losing battle? But, that’s why it’s so frustrating, right? If it’s hopeless, it’s because we make it hopeless. If it’s hopeless, it’s because peace-loving white liberals aren’t willing to march, aren’t willing to give up the brass bars at the entrance to their subdivision, aren’t willing to say, “I was wrong. I had a racist moment, and I judged you unfairly. I shouldn’t have accused you, and I’m sorry”—especially without expecting some undeserved gracefulness and forgiveness.

We talked about how sad we are. I told her that I wanted pizza delivered, so I could watch YouTube videos in my bed in peace. We agreed that we were depressed right now. We joked about it. I told her I have therapy on Monday. She encouraged me to go down to the beach. She told me about how, in Nice, she would go to the coast in the winter and the waves would crash wildly into the rocks on the shore. She told me how it made her felt connected to the world, and that the world was maybe reflecting her frustration back at her. Maybe, in that moment, nature felt what she felt, and she didn’t feel as alone. She would sometimes then go into MAMAC and stare at some particular impressionist painting that she’d sat in front of a hundred times, getting absorbed into the incomprehensible array of painted dots of various colors, making up a whole that all the people and parts of the environment made up.

The Port

Yellow, blue, red paint,
with holes torn in different sizes,
revealing hard brown flesh—
or perhaps bones, more accurately.

Slow and smooth,
stiff necks and arms flow above
dark blue water with its opalescent skin.

Little men flail in tiny cages
—brains for brawny monsters—
monsters deaf to their own shrinking importance,
humbled in the soft hum of smaller machines.
People in plastic hats pace and peer,
tracing paths over rough, mossy concrete.

Mountains in the background tower over the horizon—
mountains from long before such strong robots—
and mountains that will last
long after the metals grind to sediments,
passing through bellies of squishy pink worms.

Half-Reckoning in Blind Times

The droplets of water bubbled up on the side of the clear acrylic cup, appearing like glass warts. And as each pregnant drop eventually slipped precipitously down the wall of the chilly reservoir, the heat in the room oppressed as firmly as did the pressure from the conversation.

Joey was backed into a corner. She knew the answer to the question. She twitched in silence, as Mae peered only somewhat patiently.

“I don’t know,” Joey said.

“You do know.”

“She’s not abusive.”

“It’s abuse,” Mae said. She deflated. “Honey, it’s abuse. It’s abusive to insist someone don’t feel what they feel. It’s abusive to lie in order to blame someone instead of accepting responsibility. It’s abusive to tell someone everything’s gonna be okay when it won’t, especially when you have the choice to make it okay or not. It’s abusive to call someone, drunk, because you miss them when you won’t talk to them sober, especially when it’s just to tell them that you love them but also hate them. It’s abusive to let someone pay hundreds of dollars to stay with you only to turn them away for no good reason. It’s abusive to admit you got a problem and to say you’ll work to fix it and then refuse to do so. It’s abusive to refuse to admit when you’re wrong. It’s abusive to get in a relationship with someone and pretend you ain’t together.”

Joey felt her throat swell inside her throat. Joey wasn’t sure if Mae was right about all of them, but what was she going to do? Try to point out some technicality or two? Her head hung from the point where the vertebrae and the shoulderblades form a cross. She saw that her shoes were slightly muddy from the walk across Lydia Street.

“So what am I supposed to do?” she asked.

Quiet, Mae looked at her—Mae’s face like a tomb. “I don’t know, honey.”

“I’m not into this shit, Joe. It ain’t cool. Here’s the thing, honey: she ain’t gonna change for you. I know it don’t feel good. I ain’t blaming you. I ain’t mad at you. I’m worried about you. I’m scared for you. This all seems small. It don’t seem that big. I get that. I don’t blame you. I ain’t mad at you. I’m frustrated, but I get it. I’ve been there, and I know what love does. I want you both to be okay. I mean that. But right now, you’re in trouble, sugar, and I’m worried about you.”

Joey’s head had rotated up, followed by her eyes. She had big, dark brown eyes, and when they swelled with tears, Mae wanted to cry, too.

“I don’t know what to do,” Joey said.

“I don’t know either, baby. I’m not saying what you should do.”

They sat in silence, neither looking at the other.

“I’m mad at you, Joe.”

“I know.” Joey whimpered.

“I’m not mad at you. I’m mad, but not at you. Look, one of the hardest things to learn is that you can love someone and they can love you back, but that ain’t always enough. That’s real hard to get your head around. It’s not a head thing. I guess that’s why. It’s a heart thing. The heart don’t wanna accept it, even if the head really knows.

“You can love the shit outta someone. You can think you’re gonna go off and marry someone and have kids with someone and die in each other’s arms and all that shit, but that don’t mean you get to be with ’em. It don’t. It seems like it should. It’s a cruel thing the universe does. It’s unfair. It’s real unfair. I get that, but it is what it is, baby. Sometimes, you don’t get to be with the one you love, even when they love you back. Because what you gonna do? She already promised to go to therapy, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You know, she’s hurting. Why would she put you through all this shit? Why would she call you and say she’s sorry? Why would she say she knows it’s her fault when she’s drunk? Why would she say you wanna fuck other people when you don’t fuck no one? She knows that. She’s admitted what she does. But here’s the thing, baby: she’s at the center of all this shit. Every time she does any of this shit, she’s hurting herself. She sits at home, and sometimes she don’t call you. She thinks this shit. She feels bad. Sometimes, she knows she’s wrong, but sometimes, she’s so upset that she can’t admit what she done. She blames you, and she know it ain’t your fault. Imagine how bad she gotta be hurting to come up with all this shit. She was suggesting you see other people and pretending you ain’t together when you’re apart just to deal with it. That shit’s crazy. Who does that? Why would someone do that? She ain’t happy.”

“I know,” Joey said.

“I know,” Mae said.

“Isn’t there a way? I mean, what if she did go to therapy? If she’s hurting, too, shouldn’t she get some help? For her sake!”

“Ain’t no ‘should,’ really. I mean, yeah, maybe, but that’s for her to decide. If she thinks she should—if she decides that she loves herself, that she wants to feel better, that she wants shit to work or even just to stop fuckin’ up her life—then maybe she’ll do it. But, you know, there’s no guarantee. She might go or she might not, but even if she does, she might be too embarrassed. She might figure all this shit out, but only after making a lot of mistakes with other people, and by then, she might not remember what happened. She might just remember some vague idea about how you were bad for her or something, not remember it was her who sabotaged shit. You don’t get to decide, honey. She can choose to be miserable if she wants to. It’s stupid and it sucks, but that’s what it is.”

Joey responded, “You know, she’s the one who suggested that we see other people. And I didn’t do shit with no one. I wasn’t perfect, but I tried. And, the difference between her and me is that I at least apologized and I’m working on my shit. I know I ain’t perfect, but I’m trying. How many times have I apologized to her? She made me believe all this shit is my fault. I only just realized it ain’t all my fault. She tricked me, somehow. How many days and nights did I sit in here, crying, wishing, begging, buying her gifts, apologizing for no reason? I mean, not no reason at all. I did things that pissed her off, too, and she coulda broken up with me for any of those, but she doesn’t even talk about them anymore. That’s not the shit that bothers her. The shit that bothers her is some shit she made up. I mean, she talks about how I talked to that Canadian girl when we were on a break, and she’s all mad about that, but she slept over at Steven’s house like a day or two after she said she wouldn’t do shit with anyone until after I got there and left at least. She says I cheated on her for texting someone, but she says she didn’t fuck this dude but just kissed him and slept at his place. He had a girlfriend at the time, too. I know you know this shit, but I’m just fuckin’ pissed. I’m sorry.”

Mae closed her eyes and shook her head.

Joey continued, “She talks about how she’s mad I went out with those people in Temple, but she told me it was okay. It’s all bullshit. She knows that. And, I forgave all this shit. She can’t forgive me, but there’s nothing to forgive. Should I not forgive her? But, I do forgive her!”

“Joey, I know. I’m so sorry, baby, but there ain’t shit you can really do. You’re better off moving past all this. At least for now. Maybe after a while, she’ll decide that she wants to do better for herself and the people around her, but all you can do is wait. I know that ain’t easy.”

“Move past it? Move past it how? What does that mean?”

Mae shifted her hips and slowly, intentionally drew air in through her nose. She exhaled, saying, “I don’t know, baby, but this ain’t doing you no good. She ain’t gonna be with you right now, and I think that’s for the best. You probably don’t wanna hear that. I get that, but what can you do? She’s bullshittin’, and it ain’t ’cause you’re wrong. I mean, maybe she thinks she’s mad at you, but how many times has she done some shit like this? You’re her first love—her first real relationship. She fucked other people only when she knew they were shippin’ out because she’s scared of commitment. That’s the truth. You’re the first person she ever let herself get close to. How many times is she gonna sabotage your relationship—and her own happiness!—before she decides she’s gonna stop runnin’? What’s she lookin’ for? Some perfection that she don’t even come close to? That ain’t it. And she’s already shown she can forgive your faults; what she can’t forgive is her own fear. She’s scared of lovin’ you, honey. She don’t wanna be hurt by you. That ain’t your fault, and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it. She has to decide that she wants to love herself and be good to herself and the people around her.”

Like the water down the glass, a trail ran down Joey’s cheek, ending in a glob of salty tear. “It ain’t fair,” she said. “It ain’t fair that you can love someone, they can love you back, but that person’s scared of that love, and you can’t be together.”

They sat in silence for a moment, long enough to be reminded of the roar of the locusts outside.

“I love her. I wanna be with her. She wants to be with me. She told me the other night she don’t wanna be with no one but she wants to be with me. I don’t even know what that really means, but she said it. She said she knows it’s not all my fault. She admitted that she ended things for no good reason, that she’s just scared. She was drunk, though, like I told you. It ain’t fair. I’m here everyday thinking how I love her so much and she loves me, and I can’t make her do what she has to do in order to be good to herself and to be happy with me. What am I supposed to do?”

“You’re right, Joey. It ain’t fair, and ain’t shit you can do. That’s just the way it is, sometimes. You can keep loving her, but you gotta move on for now. You can’t do shit about it, honey.”

“And then, she finally calls me sober after all these months, and she says it’s all my fault. And now, she won’t even talk to me.”

“Joey, honey, you don’t deserve this shit. Just be good enough to yourself to let it go. You gonna be okay.”

Joey didn’t feel it. She wasn’t so sure. She thought Mae was right, but from her perspective, it hardly seemed that anything could be okay. She worried about Alex, her now-former lover. She was mad at her, but she mostly wanted Alex to hold her and to commit to working through things. The not knowing was the hardest part.

Gift/Curse

Like a string, like a marionette,
the point of my head, strung by some strange angel,
with some inexplicable sense of humor.
The top of my crown, the deeply-follicled, ceramic-covered-in-dough
tip, as though there were weird wings attached.

A spring beneath machine sewn-fabric
and factory-fabricated yellow spongy cushioning,
pokes into the pallid ham
that attaches something like a human arm
to something like a human thorax.
I lose feeling in the submissive shoulder,
and the other shoulder—the victorious one, arrogantly exposed,
naked in the little whispering photons that snuck
out and away from those big, long rays
from that Swiss moon so far away,
so bright in the cold night air,
accompanied by its twinkling friends,
so many of them long-dead, zillions of miles away—
levitates like a sneaky Tibetan monk,
slides back away from its dominated reflective twin.
The harmoniously bent sticks that will one day
dominate the image of my carcass,
crack and creak as the big, strong ham-shoulder
laboriously falls back down to be poked
by its own agitating spring.

My mind is like four thousand spiders’ webs,
set end-to-end, stacked, circling, weaving—
there is no beginning, no end, no middle—
just terror and meta-metacognition.
Why am I thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about [stupid thing]?

I still feel bits of magic permeating my skin and bone.
It at once is the stuff that connects me to the rest of the universe,
that allows me to track how simultaneously large and small I am,
to feel some solace in the apparent pointlessness
of it all and
exactly that which slices into me,
like an Alabaman’s skewers at a cookout in July,
rage and emptiness and hopeless frustration.

The couple next door laugh.
I assume it’s Judge Judy or cat videos or Jim Gaffigan or something.
It’s 12am, you assholes.
I feel Catholically guilty, realizing how foolish it is,
realizing that the best thing I can do for myself is
to forgive them, to realize that there’s nothing to forgive.
I shut my eyes. My skull rotates around my brain in every direction,
like NASA trainees in an Aerotrim.

In the Clear Midwinter

I’m sometimes struck by how strange the world is.
Then, I realize that it’s more-or-less been so all the time.
I then feel that it’s actually that I am strange and the world that
a moment ago seemed so mysterious
is really pretty boring.

Regret
He wanted to be forgotten. He wanted to have done something important. He wanted to do his penance in silence, but he also wanted to leave something to be remembered by, to be cherished. Mostly, he just didn’t want to continue to live a life of ill repute. He wanted to know what it felt like to be respected, even if that respect wouldn’t come until long after his death. He had once thought he was smart. He’d been told he was good-looking. He was tall, but not very. Now, he was old, fat, and forgetful. He longed for a gloriful youth that had never been his. He fantasized about moving to a small, poor island somewhere, taking advantage of his worldliness and white skin. But, he’d never been able to come up with a solid plan—much less to follow through. He wouldn’t have known where to begin. His options were limited, and by this point, his life had mostly been wasted. He thought of the women in his life—both those older and those younger than he—and what he’d meant to them. He was ashamed, and to him, that seemed appropriate.

He peered through the window. Why does the old Slavic woman always stare? What is she looking for? He turned his gaze to the wallpaper—off-white, yellow, and brown—at least forty years old now. Many of its edges bent toward air, toward freedom. Small cracks and tears imposed on the paper’s orderly pattern. In places, little fragments were lost, but it had held remarkably well in that old apartment. He stared at that wallpaper and tried to imagine how luxurious it had been for the family who had lived there before him. The kids had found success and moved on while the old couple had found the place simultaneously too big and too small for them in their old age. They were comfortable somewhere else now. He sat, drinking black tea with milk, staring at that wallpaper, no longer sufficiently confident to wish for something better. All that remained were a few years waiting for something to change or for everything to end. He no longer felt so self-righteous as to believe that he really deserved what he desired. All his remaining family now estranged to some degree or another, he was alone. He was too afraid to be depressed. He knew that he was a coward.

Desperation
My head swayed to the uneven rhythms of a piano concerto I didn’t really know. The long grey bus crossed the border. My new home. Freedom. I smelled the bluebonnets. I thought that they might be swaying to the same uneven rhythm.

What I really wanted to hear was the swooshed pounding of the drums in her chest—her chest the same color as the door to my father’s old office, the same color of coffee mixed with a bit too much milk. The tiny black hairs—like an open field over hilly flesh—invisible until your face is pressed so low against her skin that you smell the smell that only she makes. It’s sweet to me, but I only speak for me. Would she join me there where freedom was? Would her sentiments rule over her perfectly good reasons—her parents’ fears for their only daughter, the apprehensions of an unexpected affair, an unforeseeable life in an unimaginable place?

She knew a bit of Spanish, and she told me that she really did love me, but sometimes her face held thoughts that her fig-like mouth wouldn’t form. Couldn’t, perhaps. I knew she was scared. She sometimes wanted this to end, but now I had no choice. I put my faith in the joy and comfort that I knew she sometimes felt, but she was young and so unsure.

I didn’t want to go alone. What would I do? What is a life without family? And without her, I would have no one. She is my freedom in this place, and I hope that she is there.

Mourning
She sat parallel to the window, her head craned behind the glass. Her face a confused expression—wide lips turned up, splotches of carmine beneath yellow skin, thin salty streaks stretching themselves down, down. She peered out at the beautiful man—almost just a kid, really—about half her age.

She’d been overwhelmed with joy, barely able to construct a coherent thought to express to him. But he’d spoken gently, thoughtfully, generously, just as he always had. Besides his mahogany dimples and his firm physique, it was really this calmness and his big heart that had made her fall in love with him. But he couldn’t remember her. Not since she’d made the choice to protect him in the long run by hurting him just a little in the short run. She hadn’t wanted him to go back to war, and she knew he had a plan and a future. She saved him.

So, she stared at him as he peacefully walked away from her again. She smiled and she quietly cried, knowing that it had been selfish, risky, and necessary to have made the 3,000-mile trip to the sleepy wooded town. It was where he belonged, and where she did not, and she wished that it weren’t that way.

Leaving
“This is no longer a bus stop. The new bus stop is in front of the deli.” He motioned his open thumb behind him. “This is no longer a bus stop. The new bus stop is in front of the deli, okay?”

They’d removed the machines, and there wasn’t a way to pay on board, so the child rode the bus for free.

Closing Circles, pt. 2

Driving solitaire—winding highways
snow-swept pinnacles,
gripped in grey layers of wool and goosedown,
sweating, surrounded,
enveloped in ice,
mauve skies, cacao shadows cast down—
fifty-foot pines—contemplating
a tiny grandmother losing her hearing,
a helpless girl, left alone,

consequences of a battered barrier—
iron and fiberglass, tumbling, tumbling,
tumbling, flames flickering on the side of a snow-
smothered chunk of rock and ice.

Closing Circles, pt. 1

Some days, the ground
disappears beneath my feet,
and I smell pines, and
clouds caress my cheeks,
and my skin glistens in
the warmth of a generous
celestial being a billion miles away, and
everything on Earth is in
some realm that I fail to apprehend.

I no longer desire to be
apprehended. Glycerine slides in fits and
starts, over choppy terrain—a weathered
face—cutting a new path from each time
I’ve known before, identical to countless
twirls of this same universe.

Today, I Believe in God, Part Four: Vessels Adrift

Pt. 1
Pt. 2
Pt. 3

Forgive me. This is a bit dumb, but I wanted to write it down so that I can try to remember it. Bear with me. Or don’t. I mean, I don’t wanna bother anyone. Not that anyone does or should read this. Anyway…

I’ve been having this terrible feeling. It’s like these spiny, smoky phantasms have been creeping around in the background, and they took some toxic something and poured it right into my soul. I don’t know what that means. I realize that I was wrong to judge Lily, though. Maybe sometimes we judge people to protect ourselves, but that doesn’t make us right. Not that it makes us wrong, but I also don’t think that it really makes sense to judge people. Doesn’t it say way more about us than about anyone else? That’s why I feel guilty again.

I find it easy to blame people. I do it all the time. When someone does something that’s different from how I’d do it, I think that they’re immoral or stupid or unfair or unthinking or something. Of course they have their reasons and of course they’re either thinking about what they’re doing or they’re just too stressed out to think. We all know that feeling when we’re all jittery and insomniac and our skin feels like it doesn’t fit us right and it feels like we’re not supposed to be in this world right now. Well, at least, that’s how I feel. I guess other people feel it, too, but maybe not everybody. But like I was saying, when I’m uncomfortable, I blame someone for it. If someone does something and I feel hurt, I assume it’s because they shouldn’t have done what they did. It’s easy to decide with a heavy index finger that someone should be held to my standard, but that doesn’t make sense, does it. It’s harder to come to the conclusion that, for weird reasons, I feel bad, and I’d probably be better off if I figured out what that was about and if I figured out how to deal with it.

To anyone not as stupid as I am, this’ll all be obvious. Sorry.

Sometimes men do this. Sometimes women do it. Sometimes non-binary people do it. White people, black people, Asians, etc. But, I don’t think that people are wrong when they point out that straight, white, cisgender men tend to act violent and entitled. It feels unfair. I hate it. I feel the disgust in someone’s shoulders or the way they avoid looking at me or how they say as few words as necessary if I say something or ask a question. It makes me feel alone. But that’s also unfair of me. I think everyone’s emotionally insecure and all that. I mean, I’m those things—all those things: male, white, straight, violent, entitled. I’m sorry. I don’t ever wanna hurt anyone. Maybe we all are those things, but for some reason, we seem to breed these men to act this way, and so I guess that’s part of why I act this way. Hopefully, I’m not too bad.

I’m back at school. It felt like I’d be in Europe forever (I managed to get outside Europe a little bit, but that’s not the point), but I’m back in reality now. It’s so weird and complicated. Sometimes, people don’t trust me and it makes me feel bad, but people probably look down at, and dismiss, people for being different from how I am more often than people look down at me, so I guess I shouldn’t blame people. I mean, I don’t know what anyone’s going through. If I lived everything that someone else did, why would I think that I’d make a different choice from them?

So, why did I treat Lily this way? Well, I guess it’s because, really, I’m in love with her. I mean, there are a lot of songs about love and movies about love and even books about love. So many. So many! But, I’ve felt some love before, and I don’t know if it felt like a book or a movie. Sometimes, pretty close, but how do you write a feeling? How do you show a feeling? I can’t reach into you and put a feeling there and you can’t, either. What I noticed about Lily is that I did the thing I always do. I did this violence. I strangled and suffocated and killed the lifeforce in our relationship. I’m not saying that she was perfect. You’ll remember my complaints about Lily, but weren’t they so petty? Why was I mad? I was mad because I love her. If I could point out what, to me, appear something like imperfections, then maybe it’s not all my fault. I think that secretly (to others, but more importantly, to myself), I tend to blame myself for everything. Not exactly. I just have this eyeless little bug that sits in the back of my brain and it just slowly gnaws and drools back there, and all it does is constantly convinces me that I might be judged and I might be blamed and I might be wrong. In the end, it’s like I’m not good enough for anything. But, I was good enough for Lily. That’s why she was with me, you know? She chose to be with me. She made her choice, and for her, it was right. I decided that I wasn’t good enough for her. Sometimes, she was confusing and sometimes she was unfair. But, you know, everyone is those things sometimes. It’s not her fault. It’s not my fault. Sometimes, it’s okay to let someone be a bit childish. She can be pretty childish, but that’s just my opinion. Maybe I’m doing it again. I mean, it’s not even any of my business. The thing is that I want to be with her and I always wanted to be with her, but I was stubborn and proud because I was scared. I felt alone and I felt guilty for just existing. I felt that she would definitely leave me. I made her decision for her without even realizing. I feel a bit stupid for it, but that doesn’t help.

No one’s perfect. Lily’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. But also, everyone and everything just are. Maybe that makes them perfect. I often think about this YouTube video I watched of some British guy from the seventies. I think he basically says that everyone’s already perfect always. That sounds weird, but when I think about it, it feels right. We sometimes do things that aren’t helpful or that are inconvenient or whatever. We’re all neurotic, sometimes. We all get distracted. I let my doubts distract me. I need to love myself. I was unfair to Lily and I kept her from having the relationship that she wanted to have with me.

I keep writing about God. For a second, I wanted to do something dumb, like I’d ask for God to intercede or I’d say that we’re all God together or something like that. Maybe that’s all true. I dunno. Do I believe in God? People ask me this more often than you might think. I think about it. I ask myself. If there’s a God maybe God shows herself most clearly in the spaces between two people, especially when they feel that indescribable vulnerability that we call “love.” I want God to be like that, and when God is like that, it’s really that God is giving us the gift of allowing us to give to each other. I want to give to Lily, but maybe I fucked it up and maybe it’s never coming back. There was something so warm between us. I really think that we do respect each other and admire each other. I really think that we both want what’s best for us. Maybe she’s mad at me, too. Maybe she’s frustrated and maybe she feels betrayed. She wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way, would she? Maybe she feels a bit insecure and a bit guilty. Our relationship didn’t work, and it’s always sad to sit along the shore and watch a vessel slowly char and wave around and topple over as the ashes and the fumes spread around, eventually dispersing until there’s nothing recognizable left. To me, that’s what it felt like between Lily and me. What happened to the transcendent, beautiful gift that we occupied together? Where is that thing? It’s never coming back, but I’d like to build a better boat if I could. I watch her from a distance, I cry, I wish, I pray. I feel guilt, I mourn. I hope and I hang my head.

I wrote this about blame, but it’s really about guilt. I want to change my name. Joey is dead. I want to have no name. Everyday I’m a different person, but I want to have this familiar soul beside me. No one could be for me what she is, and I don’t want anyone to be something else for me. I just want to learn to forgive myself and to show her that I can be patient and that I can give her the kind of love we all deserve. We’re all broken a little bit, and I just want to secrete for her the little bit of glue that can help to hold her together when she’s mad at me because she’s mad at herself because she’s mad at her dad from when she was eight or whatever. I mean, who knows how these things work? I just want to be good to myself and to be good to her. I want to work with her and to come up with strategies for how we can be good to each other.

But, I guess that can’t be. Not right now. I have to accept that and it’s so hard. I’m back at school and it’s hard to focus. I just want to talk to her about all of this. For hours and hours. I want to know why she’s mad at me. I want to tell her why I’m mad at myself. I want to hear what I did wrong. I want us to talk about what we can do to behave differently. I’m just going around in circles now. I just wish that things were different.

Today, I Believe in God, Part Three: Die Anhalter Bahnhof Mannschaft

Pt. 1
Pt. 2

I step into the traincar at Anhalter Bahnhof. It’s the prettiest metro station in Berlin. A woman is yelling and laughing. At first, I figure it might just be the dramatic peak of a story between friends. People can be loud with they’re friends when they’re relating stories, but this lady keeps going.

She’s pretty. She’s young, in good shape. She’s blonde, but not in the cheap, shitty way like you see on TV or in magazines. Dirty blonde, maybe. She looks like a real person, and she seems like she could be kind, but I guess it’s easier to look real when you’re a bit disheveled and greasy. She’s mockingly half-crying now.

She keeps screaming and wailing about Deutschland, something, something, but I’m not figuring it out exactly. But then, she throws a bit of “Korea!” into her rant and the thing becomes clearer. Asians sit on the bus. They mostly laugh at her, but she gesticulates toward them“Korea! Korea!”and she asks them questions.

I want to yell at this woman but I don’t exactly make out what it is that she’s saying.

south Korea 2
Germany 0

The other day, this US (not “American”Americans are all the people living in the American continent[s]) ex-pat guy was telling me how Germany has gone so far out of their way to deal with their Nazi past. He talked about how Germans can’t get “HH” or “88” on their license plates, about all these memorials, about a bit of German guilt, and so on, but then, he also told me about how they have a new political party called the AfD, and that they’re basically just racist against Middle Easterners. Bill Maher and other proto-fascists like to point out that being anti-Islamic isn’t racist because it’s not the race that they have the problem with. In the 1930s, I read that Hitler and other anti-Semites used to blame the Jews for capitalism, for communism, for cosmopolitanism, for inflation, and for anything else. I guess those people didn’t have a problem with Jews’ race, either. Anyway, when Bill Maher says that they should pull out all the “Mohammeds” from the line at the airport and search them, I don’t suppose that Bill thinks that they should pull out all the white Muslims from Eastern Europe or the Asian ones from Kazakhstan or Indonesia. Is it the religion that he really has the problem with?

Anyway, for all the German guilt over the Holocaust, it’s weird that so many of them are racist against Middle Easterners. It’s also weird that German culture is still associated with order, blind rule-following, fetishization of technology, religious bigotry, and extreme nationalism. What would happen in this country today if they suddenly faced extreme inflation or some other terrible economic disaster? Who’s to say?, I guess.

Somehow, this blonde lady seems so opposite to the lady from the train in Serbia. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know either of them. I don’t even know what the blonde lady was saying. It made me so mad, but maybe I got madder than I needed to. I guess one never needs to get mad. Racism makes me angry. It’s fashionable to get angry at racism. That’s a weird thing. If you don’t get angry when people are racist, then people get mad at you for not getting angry. But, most people are racist. Most of the people who get most angry at the not-outwardly-angry-at-the-ractists are quite racist.

Like, I met this lady who’s in school right now in DC, and she knew all the things to say. She knew all the lingo, she knew all the contemporary issues, but she’s never even had a friend who wasn’t white! She’s going to grad school in the fall, and she’s in these anti-racist clubs, but she wears expensive clothes, goes on expensive vacations all over the world, and her parents pay for her school. She doesn’t care about poor people or consumerism or sacrifice or anything like that. I think that she’s basically a capitalist. One time, I was talking about how I think we need to get away from consumerist culture, that we need to have real democracy, and we have to remake our institutions and do things very differently. She said that she gets annoyed when people talk like that because they just don’t sound realistic. I don’t know how we’re supposed to have equal rights between genders or races or anything else under the current paradigm, and I don’t know what’s realistic about continuing to expand production and consumption until there’s no earth left, but whatever.

I wonder if that lady from Serbia will email me. I guess probably not. It turns out that Berlin is not a place for me. I’ve come to realize that the German obsession with rules has something to do with individualism. If everyone’s simply responsible for abiding society’s rules, then no one owes any responsibility to anyone else. No one has to care for anyone else, no one has to think of themselves as part of a community or anything like that.

I told someone that I thought that a lot of Berliners dress really dorky. She started yelling at me, saying that I was ridiculous and that I wasn’t fashionable. Berliners can be pretty edgy. I meet a lot of sarcastic, science-obsessed, polyamorous atheists who wear all black and have facial piercings and dyed hair. I wonder how many of them vigorously support die deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft. I wonder how many of them wanted to yell at Koreans after the match. Maybe I’m being too hard on them. There’s certainly something ironic about me being violent toward them in my thoughts like this. I should work on that, I guess.

Pt. 4

Across the River Styx: A Lacanian Literary Analysis of Poe’s “The Raven”

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
Only this and nothing more.” (6)

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore—
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore—
Nameless here for evermore. (12)

And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
“’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door—
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;—
This it is and nothing more.” (18)

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”—here I opened wide the door;—
Darkness there and nothing more. (24)

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore?”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!”—
Merely this and nothing more. (30)

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore—
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
’Tis the wind and nothing more!” (36)

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door—
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door—
Perched, and sat, and nothing more. (42)

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore—
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.” (48)

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door—
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as “Nevermore.” (54)

But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing farther then he uttered—not a feather then he fluttered—
Till I scarcely more than muttered “Other friends have flown before—
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before.”
Then the bird said “Nevermore.” (60)

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore—
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of ‘Never—nevermore’.” (66)

But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore—
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking “Nevermore.” (72)

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er,
But whose velvet-violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore! (78)

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite—respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore;
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!”
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.” (84)

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if bird or devil!—
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted—
On this home by Horror haunted—tell me truly, I implore—
Is there—is there balm in Gilead?—tell me—tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.” (90)

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us—by that God we both adore—
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore—
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.”
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.” (96)

“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!—quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.” (102)

The heart of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” is the river Styx. The river Styx is the border between life and death. We can say that Poe evokes the river Styx—and not some other border between life and death—because of Poe’s various references to Greek mythology. The river Styx gets its name from the goddess of hatred (Styx) who was married to Pallas, the Titan of warcraft. Pallas’s bust appears in “The Raven” as the resting place for the poem’s namesake (41, 103). On a more positive note is Poe’s reference to the Greek for light (10-2).

The effectiveness of “The Raven” is partly due to its tensions and apparent contradictions. The narrator goes from being anxious to being amused (47, 67) to being upset (85). Throughout the poem, light emerges from darkness (10-2, 76-7), death is embodied in life (37-48, 89, 93-5), and so on. The narrator at once seeks hope and seeks death (89, 93-5). The narrator demands answers (88-9, 92-5) and immediately rejects those same answers (97-101). Light (10-2, 76-7) and dark (24, 43, 99, 106-7) are prominent concepts in “The Raven,” just as good (11, 80) and evil (85, 91, 105) are, but (at least briefly) there is hope in death (89, 93-5), while prophecy is associated with evil (58-60, 79-96), so normal associations appear subverted.

Confusions that arise from these dichotomous themes in “The Raven” can be explained through the thought of Jacques Lacan. In some ways, Lacan’s thought deals directly with these kinds of tensions and apparent contradictions. For instance, Lacan views the desire to live and a drive toward death as being mutually constitutive of each other. Lacan says that any drive toward any objective is balanced by the drive toward a return to the previous state—toward the death of that instance of that drive.

In “The Raven,” new life enters into the narrator’s home: the Raven (37-42). The narrator asks the “wandering” (46) Raven what its “name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore” (47), to which the Raven replies, “Nevermore.” The Raven “[flutters]” (37), “[steps]” (38), “[perches]” (40), “[wanders]” (46), and talks (48). Surely, this Raven seems to be alive. At the same time, it is not a coincidence that the Raven claims to be named “Nevermore.” In fact, strangely, the narrator predicts the Raven’s association with death when they suggest that the Raven is from “the Night’s Plutonian shore.” Night is associated with darkness, just as death is, and Pluto is the Roman god of the underworld (Hades is the Greek equivalent—this is the only time when Poe makes reference to Roman mythology instead of Greek). Throughout the poem, the Raven speaks, saying “only (55) That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour” (56): “Nevermore.” The Raven’s soul is embodied in the concept of “Nevermore.” For something to be “nevermore,” it must have been and then to have no longer been; it must die, which is the same as returning to the previous state: the non-living.

Lacan’s idea of the death drive is complicated. For Lacan, the death drive first appears in what he calls “the mirror stage.” When, as infants, we become aware of ourselves, we begin to think of ourselves as whole selves or at least as potentially whole selves. This phenomenon can be represented by the infant looking into a mirror and gazing at the infant looking back at them. The infant recognizes the other as somehow themselves and the infant appreciates the completeness of the other. The infant desires to be complete like this other that is the image of the infant, themselves. This desire is based on a kind of illusion. The othered self that appears in the mirror is an image that includes something alienated from the infant. The image appears at the same time complete and different from the infant. The difference between the infant and the infant’s mirror image results in the infant being inclined to pursue the illusory something that completes their other that they see in the mirror. This elusive completive substance is what Lacan calls “objet petit a.”

Before the mirror stage, the child does not feel desire because the child does not feel a sense of lack. They may have needs and they may cry out, but their needs can be provided for and they can be satisfied. However, after the mirror stage, the infant is inclined to try to complete themselves by finding things outside of themselves that can make up for what they lack. Objet petit a appears as that which is lacking that can make someone whole. When we feel desire, there is some invisible thing in the object that leads us to think that the thing will completely satisfy us. Instead, objet petit a is merely an illusion and complete satisfaction never comes. Desires always appear as manifestations of what we learn as the desires of others—desire is not determined by some authentic version of ourselves. Objects that we crave are represented by symbols that we internalize. This is what Lacan calls “the symbolic order.” The symbolic order is everything that can be expressed. All expressions happen through symbolizations. All symbols and all modes of symbolization are inherited through observing others. Symbolization necessarily is not a product of ourselves.

In the same way that the image in the mirror is not exactly ourselves, no desire that we express relates exactly to our contentment. What I mean by this is that the self that we see is not our complete, accurate self. For any of us, the image is the closest possible approximation to our self, but it does not accurately represent us. Similarly, any symbol—that we use to represent anything—necessarily fails to fully capture what it means to represent. If any object external to ourselves could ever completely satisfy us, it could never be expressed through language or through any symbolization. We can never achieve long-term satisfaction through acquiring anything or achieving anything because the idea that there is something that we lack and that we have to find that thing is an idea that is produced by the false image of our complete and independent selves. As we acquire things, those things never have the something that could make up for what we lack because the lack is fabricated through the false understanding of the image in the mirror.

In “The Raven,” the narrator desperately wishes to be reunited with their love, Lenore (“Lenore” comes from Greek for light). The death of Lenore leads the narrator to sense that Lenore is what they lack (10-2, 93-5). As we are on Earth, our reunion with someone dead is an excellent example of objet petit a. Once someone is dead, we cannot be reunited with them (at least not as we remember them). We are destined to be disappointed and to remain unsatisfied so long as we desire such a reunion. In “The Raven,” the narrator thinks about Lenore before the Raven appears, and when the Raven arrives, the narrator demands that the narrator “forget this lost Lenore” (83). Predictably, the Raven responds, “Nevermore” (84). There is no possibility for the narrator to be satisfied by their desire for Lenore, but the narrator persists. The narrator obsesses.

It seems that the narrator cannot help but think about Lenore and to imagine reuniting with Lenore, but before this obsession becomes fully obvious, the narrator demonstrates a different obsession. At first, the narrator is amused by the Raven (43), but the narrator becomes more and more fixated on the fact that the Raven repeats the word “Nevermore” (49-75). When the Raven’s “Nevermore” (84) follows the narrator suggests that they “forget this lost Lenore” (83), the narrator repeatedly asks whether, by dying, the narrator will be reunited with Lenore (85-96).

Lacan relates such extreme destructive behaviors to suicidal narcissism. When we see ourselves in the mirror, we can become intensely attracted to the complete image of our self, like in the Greek myth of Narcissus. When our attraction to the completed image of our self is strong enough, we can become reckless in the pursuit of objet petit a—that which we believe will make us complete. This recklessness can result in self-sabotage in various forms.

In “The Raven,” this suicidal narcissism’s extreme form appears at the end of the poem (97-108). The narrator is so desirous of reunion with Lenore that the narrator demands that the Raven leave and commit its own suicide (97-101). The Raven responds with the only word it speaks (102). In the last stanza, the verb tense changes from the past to the present. What then becomes clear is that everything that has been narrated is a depiction of something past. Now, after however long the Raven has been there, the narrator remains sitting across from the Raven, unable to move (103-8). If, as the narrator suggests, their “soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor (107) Shall be lifted—nevermore!” (108), then the narrator is sure to die under the weight of their obsession.

Again, it is in the very hope for the narrator’s completeness that they are eventually driven to absolute self-destruction. Narcissism, according to Lacan, is about an unhealthy fetishization of the apparent completeness in the self’s image. What I mean is that the narcissist is so convinced of the completeness—and, therefore, so attracted to its beauty—that the narcissist tragically hopes too strongly to embody this image.

As we can see, Lacan’s thought, as in “The Raven,” is characterize by ambivalences. Life carries death with it in the form of the death drive. Every phenomenon that is not stamped out by external forces is sure to eventually end its own existence. The Raven at once embodies transcendent answers and the source of the narrator’s denial. By “transcendent answers,” I mean that the Raven has a direct relationship to entities and information that are not of this world. Lenore is both a light (and a source for hope) in the narrator’s otherwise dark world and the source of the narrator’s frustration and eventual death. For Lacan, this is the nature of desire as embodied in the ever-elusive objet petit a. Objet petit a is the source of one’s ultimate hope for fulfillment as well as a source of our misery.

One might argue that the tension is false, and a shallow look at the evidence might suggest that. Death simply pervades the poem, so the poem is about death in a more simplistic way, the argument might go. Of course, the narrator laments Lenore from very early on (10-2). Symbols for death pervade the text, preceding any thought of the Raven or of the narrator’s explicit mention of suicide. In the second line of the poem, the narrator refers to “forgotten lore.” The death drive is meant to represent both the death of any thing-as-such and the returns of things to previous stages. When the lore is forgotten, conditions return to those of the time before the lore. The mirror stage could be thought of as a clear example of the death drive’s tendency to bring us back to that which precedes. When someone becomes aware of themselves but also fails to conceive of themselves completely, they kill off parts of themselves. This misrecognition is, itself, a kind of death that leads to all the misguided energy that leads to one’s eventual destruction.

Toward the beginning of the poem, the narrator says, “each separate dying ember wrought its ghost” (8), “Eagerly I wished the morrow” (9), and “to still the beating of my heart” (15). Each of these has its relationship to death and the death drive. “To still the beating of [the narrator’s] heart” is to creep toward death: the point at which one’s heart stops beating. Wishing for the morning represents the death of the day and a return to something that precedes. In some sense, it is the symbolization of day and night, and light and dark, that help to reproduce the death drive within this poem. If the narrator did not symbolize day and night as associated with light and dark, or life and death, then the anxiety over what each of them lacks might not be so profound. Finally, the “dying ember” that brings about its ghost appears as a dead thing with a life drive (or “Eros”). For the narrator, death constitutes life just as life constitutes death. In the binaries to which I refer, the one lacks the other in the same way that the narrator lacks what is promised by objet petit a. Death is always with live and vice versa. Lenore is the light in the narrator’s darkness. The Raven emerges from the dark of night (37-42), uncannily appearing in the light, casting its dark shadow that traps the narrator into their death (103-8).

To return to my earlier point, all of this might suggest that this poem simply represents the idea that someone in exceptional circumstances might simply seek an excuse to die. My contention is that the way that the poem presents the motivation to die is not very different from how Lacan describes the death drive. The death drive is the balance to life that appears as a complication. This complication can only be made completely clear at the end of one’s life. There is always a tension between one’s complete, authentic self as life and the inauthenticating acts that are intended to fulfill desires—acts that eventually lead to death. It is this constant bidirectionality that is central to Lacan’s thought and central to “The Raven.”

Indeed, as counterintuitive as it may initially seem, the river Styx is the perfect symbol for “The Raven.” The river Styx is where good crosses with evil and life crosses with death. One can conclude that there is no pure category on the river Styx—only potential. There is always the hypothetical possibility of turning oneself around, of altering one’s fate. Instead, though, as Lacan makes clear, the problem of this existence appears in an illusion on the river Styx of human consciousness. Our consciousness is determined by our social existence, Lacan might tell us, and the boat can appear to be going in opposite directions at once, but we always only end up on the side that someone(s) else has helped to determine for us. We hope for an impossible something that torturously appears to be within our reach but always nudges out, just beyond our grasp.