Fire Drills Aren’t Actually Different in China

by Shaun Terry

Did you know that there’s no statute of limitations for rape cases in Kansas? I could pull the trigger any time I want to, but I would never even threaten someone with that because you don’t know what it’s like. You have no idea or you just wouldn’t even think about it. I still have that damning email, but I wouldn’t. I thought of threatening you with it, but that would only make things worse, in the long-run. It might save me in the short-run to threaten with it, but it would hurt both of us too much, so I wouldn’t. Your dad thinks I’m a piece of shit. All your friends do, too, but no one knows about this because I would never. Which isn’t fucking fair, but whatever. Okay, I told one good friend. You should thank her, actually. My hips and stomach hurt; you wouldn’t understand. You never even showed that you cared about how hard it all was for me to deal with. It was great for you, you said. But now, you want your name to come up in every job interview. You wanna take food from my daughter’s mouth, even though I would do what you want. I want to marry you and have as many babies as you’d like. I’m going to therapy now. I’m volunteering at the soup kitchen again. I’m going to meditation groups, and I’m trying to get a third job. I worked so hard to get to where I was before this all happened, and I fucked it up because I got too ambitious and because I took you for granted. I made a mistake, and I didn’t manage things well. That’s my fault. I’m sorry. You were right about everything I was doing, and I didn’t listen because I’m an idiot. I assumed that you’d always be there. You kept talking about Twin Flames, and maybe you’re right, but I could use a friend, and now I can’t even talk to you, when what I really want is to spend 72 hours curled up in a ball with you such that I can’t tell which arm is yours and which is mine. You hairy little shit, with your distracting armpit hairs. I finally got used to them. But why are you doing this? It won’t change anything except to make things harder for me. You’re just making my life a little shorter, and for what? So that you can demonstrate a little control? I’d go to couples counseling with you for the rest of my life, if it meant that when I went to sleep each night, I could rub my hand against your soft, sweet cheeks that I know so well. I want what you want. I want to be who you want me to be, and I just need to keep working at it. Can’t you just be a little patient? Maybe I don’t deserve it, but if you get what you want in the end, isn’t it worth it? Maybe no. I don’t know what you want anymore. I love you, and I intend to be with you if you’ll let me. Maybe now’s not the time, and I could respect that, but fuck. I said something stupid because I was hurt. I shouldn’t have. But you do know me. I get that you’re scared, but you DO know me. Let me start again, and I’ll try to be less of a dumbass this time. Just let me marry you.